Background: The two teams begin their seasons in opposite fashion. Future Wax is 9-7 on Thanksgiving, while Eric, having just been swept by ND, is under .500 at 7-9. But Arnie inadvertantly gives Eric some valuable advice in the form of derision, and Eric calls up a lefty starter, Glavine. This fires up Gawd B as they have a spectacular December (10-2) to close the 1^st half just one game off the lead. Meanwhile Randy gets swept by Tom and loses 3 of 4 as his California owners stew at their 7^th place team. Eric continues his winning ways in January, going 11-5, capped by D.Lowe’s no-no, and Gawd B ends the month on top of the heap. Randy manages to scratch his way back to .500 (20-20) but this season that’s only good for 6^th place, and FW is in danger of missing the playoffs for the first time in 10 years. But Matt incurs the wrath of the league, especially Eric, and gets swept by Randy on the final night of the regular season as FW continues its playoff appearance record. During the regular season, Randy owned Eric’s team, winning 6 of 8 games.

First Round – at Arnie and Robin’s

Who’s there? Arnie, Tom, Randy and Eric. Robin’s in the kitchen. Rachel and Jinny are who knows where.

Preparatory note: FW won the season opener 1-0, in 13 innings, back in October at Matt’s. That night it was Pedro vs. Lowe, and Pedro went 8 innings and Lowe went 9, and in the end the Wax bullpen prevailed. Randy went on to win 3 of 4, and then 3 of 4 the next series. But that first game, against Pedro, and all those zeroes, were on Eric’s mind as the playoffs began…

Despite finishing four games behind Gawd B, Future Wax is the early favorite in the worried minds of Gawd B fans everywhere. Round one is at Arnie’s, in Holliston, on some Saturday or Sunday (it’s mid-July now, so how the schmelling should I remember? …). An early start, 11am or noon, and it’s "let’s-wait-a-little-on-the-beer-and-I’ll-pass-on-the-luggage, Arn," and Maddux vs. Lowe. Maddux? Where’s Pedro?

Game 1

   1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9  R  H E

FW 0 0 0 0 0 1 1 0 1  3  6 1
GB 0 0 3 0 0 0 0 0 1  4 10 0

Maddux and Lowe keep it scoreless through two. Gawd B nickels and dimes and runs wild against Piazza in the 3rd: three singles, three sb’s, an error by Kent, a sac fly, and it’s 3 runs. Lowe holds forth through the 8th, giving up solo shots to Bonds (6th) and Chavez (7th). Wax brings the infield in after lead-off triple to Spivey in 8th, and cut him down at the plate on a botched squeeze.

Pedro comes in to relieve in the 7th and wiggles out of a wee jam. Pitches 1 inning, leaving after the Spivey triple.

Top of the 9th, and it’s 3-2, Gawd B. Lowe gives up a single to Bonds, and the bullpen is summoned. It’s Embree vs. Thome, and Thome takes a mighty cut on a 3-2 pitch and whiffs. Next, Donnelly is called to face Sheffield, but freaks (a trend that would continue for him throughout the playoffs), walking him before running back to the dugout. Holmes comes in to face Chavez, who smacks a long single for the big, game-tying rbi. Now it’s first and third, and Gawd B brings the infield in. A hard shot to Ventura and Sheffield’s out at home. Salmon pinch hits and flies out. Bottom 9th, and it’s … Lieberthal? Yes indeed, and he’s facing righty Cordero and can’t be removed. Easy out for FW. Next up Tejada, and O!, it’s a ballpark home run and holyshitthegame’sover!

WP: Holmes; LP: Cordero

HR: (FW) Bonds 1; Chavez 1; (GB) Tejada 1

Game 2

         1  2    3   4    5   6    7   8    9     R    H   E

FW 0 0 2 0 0 0 1 0 0  3 9  0
GB 0 1 1 0 3 0 0 0    5 10 0

Easily The Game of the series, in more ways than one. It’s Lowe vs. Maddux again, and it’s nip-and-tuck through 6, with the Wax clinging to a 4-3 lead. Maddux is pulled in the top of the 7th in favor of Santana, who will be the first of 4 Wax relievers this inning, slowly rotated in under the watchful, cautious, deliberate, let’s-examine-every-probability-and-outcome-at-least-three-times-and-then-just-once-more-for-good-measure eyes of Randy. The plan is simple. First, FW decides to hit Ventura with a curveball, then yank Santana. When Lieberthal pinch-hits for Peirzynski, FW summons Williamson from the pen, who gets lost on his way to the mound. After a network commercial break, he strides atop the mound and bizarrely surrenders a single to Lieberthal, who is clearly outclassed in this match-up. A Helton single is followed by a strikeout, and then Guthrie is brought in, eventually, to face Walker. In comes Matt Williams to pinch-hit, and he singles in a run, then catches Piazza napping and steals second. Now it’s runners on 2nd and 3rd, and Brian Jordan pokes a clutch two-run double to left, and Gawd B is "suddenly" up 6-4 going to the bottom of the 7th.

Fifteen minutes later and it’s now the bottom of the 8th. Same score. FW batting. Griffey pinch-hits for Piazza against Holmes and lines a single up the box. A force-out by Chavez, and Eric’s just a little nervous, his rump just a little damp, but all-in-all appears reasonably stable. Randy mulls a pinch-hitter for Kent. He consults his charts, where it says Holmes is better against lefties, but…but maybe…no, let’s consider…um, perhaps that’ too…no…okay, it’s… it’s…official, we’ll stick with…"are you sure?"…yes…it’s…um…Kent, yes, he’s announced: "Now batting, Kent…Jefffff Kent, second base, born in…" And he……………………….whiffs? Let’s double check that. Yes, that’s a K, alright. Says it right…there. See? Eric leans back and tugs at his collar. Longest frickin’ strikeout of the… Two down now, and Nomar steps in and rips the first pitch he sees ("thank God somebody on that team…") for a single to left, and now it’s 1st and 3rd, with Edmonds coming to the plate. After a (very) brief conference, Eric sticks with Holmes, who stalks around the mound and kicks the rubber. He leans in for the sign and goes to his set. The pitch: Edmonds takes a ferocious swing and wallops the ball over the right field fence. The crowd goes berserk!, (or does it?) and Edmonds runs … no, he walks … no, he’s strolling around the bases (that’s right, folks), like Charles Lindberg in Paris, basking in the adulation at being the first ever to hit a clutch 3-run homer in the history of baseball…taking in the curious reaction of the fans, who not so much cheer as collectively slump back in their seats and mumble their thanks to a miraculous God, with such dramatic inwardness that Salmon, who is up next, cannot possibly approach the plate, for he, too, is collapsed in a semi-religious torpor in the on-deck circle. At this juncture, when Salmon is due, when Randy has all but disappeared within himself (his eyes are rolling back), when all of Gawd B await his (and Salmon’s) reappearance, when it seems that the appropriate amount of time has passed for all concerned to get on with it, to move on to the next physical, temporal event (Lord knows there’s always another), to roll the dice because there’s still a game to be played, because it’s going to be a long fucking afternoon, and more drinks need to be poured, and goddamn it someone has to take a piss…well, that’s when Eric has his, ah, epiphany…

…and poor Randy, he has no idea what’s about to hit him. I can’t recall the specific words, but it goes something like this: "C’mon, Randy! What the hell? Jesus Christ! Youtakesogoddamnlongallthefukin’timewhatthehellamIsupposedtodo!! Every batter and pitcher, let’s wait and check and double check and I mean COME ON!! IT’S THE END OF THE YEAR!! DON’T YOU KNOW YOUR FRICKIN’ MATCH-UPS YET?!! Man, you get me so…and I’m so…a-and you…and who the…and the hell if I, you…" etc. Need we continue? We all know how Eric can get. Arnie and Tom are between games and away from the table. Robin, who’s been working in the kitchen editing some manuscript for work, hears it all, but says nothing.

Man, did I feel bad.

Later, that is. After Randy forgave me in the car, on the way home.

Anyway, after everything simmers down Salmon comes up and rather meekly strikes out. So, in case you lost track, it’s FW leading 7-6 after eight, but Eric up 1-zip in tantrums.

Now it’s the top of the 9th. Right or wrong, his blood is up, and Eric’s feeling mighty righteous. Wade Miller is in for FW, the 7th of 8 Wax pitchers to be used. Loretta pinch-hits and draws an O-yeah!-I’ll-show-you! base-on-balls. Matt Williams, up next, has to bat for himself against Miller, and defies the odds by singling off the righty, sending Loretta to 3rd. Williams promptly catches Piazza napping again and steals 2nd. In comes David Wells to face Palmeiro, who hits a sac fly to tie the game. And then, well, it all just gets come-uppity from there. An rbi single by Payton, followed by a two-run shot by Tejada, and GB nets four bittersweet 9th inning runs, making it 10-7. The bottom of the 9th is anti-climatic, if not a little hairy—Sheffield smacks a two-run homer with one out—but Foulke gets Grif and Chavez, and it’s Gawd B up 3 games to 1.

And poor Randy is beleaguered, a bit cowed, and probably asking himself if Eric is on medication, and if not, why not.

WP: Holmes SV: Foulke; LP: Wells

HR: (FW) Edmonds 2; Thome 1; Sheffield 1 (GB) Tejada 2; Jordan 1

Game 5

 
         1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9   R  H  E
GB   0 2 1 5 0 0 3 0 0   11 16 1
FW   0 0 1 0 1 0 0 2 0    4  9 0

Background: Off a heartbreaking 7-game first round loss in’03, Tom is determined to change his fortunes this year. He opens the season winning 3 of 4 from Robin. But mighty Gawd B storms into Constantinople and sweeps Tom. Still he finishes November at .500, good for 4^th place. A sweep of insufferable Future Wax helps Tom to a 6-2 December and a solid 14-10 3^rd place at the holiday break. A solid, if unspectacular 11-9 January sets up CN in the thick of a wild final month:

Gawd B             24 16 .600 --
North Dakota       23 17 .575 1
Constantinople     22 18 .550 2
New Orleans        22 18 .550 2
Area 51            23 21 .523 3
Future Wax         20 20 .500 4

At home against North Dakota, Tom takes 3 of 4, then comes back and wins 3 of 4 at FW to wrap up 2^nd place.

North Dakota splits its first 3 series before Eric plays doormat host by getting swept, and ND is sitting pretty at Thanksgiving at 10-6. After sweeping Jeff on 12/14, North Dakota, described as a "ragtag group of ragamuffins" by one manager in the preseason newsletter, is in 1 ^st place at 18-10 halfway through. The team is sailing along blissfully when the buzzsaw, otherwise known as Gawd B, humiliates them in late January with three shutouts and a no-hitter, leading to the standings shown above. And after Tom wins 3 of 4 in early Feb., the team is looking down. But they finish strong, winning 7 of 8 from Robin and Harold to close the season and take 3^rd place (with the same record as Constantinople. Tom wins the tiebreaker by virtue of winning the season series 5-3).

It is the first post-season meeting in history for these two franchises.

Game 1

                                    R H E

World Series

Gawd B vs. North Dakota (At Brighton 3/17/04 and Holliston 3/18/04).

From Arnie: It’s a rematch of the 1997 World Series, won by Finn’s People in 6 games. The two teams had a bizarre season against one another, with each team sweeping the other on the road convincingly. Eric’s perfect record in World Series play looms large; luggage is freely consumed.

Preparatory note: North Dakota and Gawd B each swept the other during the regular season. After the earlier ND sweep, Arnie’s boastful, parting remark to Eric was "your team just can’t play in a lefty dominant ballpark without at least one lefty starter," prompting Eric to call up Glavine from the minors. A brilliant, season-altering piece of advice ("Thanks, Arn!") better left unsaid.

It was decided in advance that the series would be split over consecutive evenings, three games the first night, followed by however many games the second. Eric hosted the first, driving out in his RAV4 to the CVS lot on Washington Street to meet Arnie because they couldn’t figure any other way to get around the residential parking issues in Brighton. Idiots. Also decided was that the series might perhaps be concluded in one fell sweep if either team should take a 3-0 lead, whereupon game 4 would be played after a bathroom break and luggage. That, however, didn’t happen.

Game 1

It’s Johnson and Lowe, and there’s something in the air. Just take a whiff. It’s not just the hype of Game One, or that sticky hemp Arnie and Eric just lit in that bowl. The buzz from the pressroom is how far along has Eric come in his "telepathic studies"? Lowe (the card), not more than three fortnights ago, in a regular season game and against this same pocked and stringy Johnson, tossed a no-hitter. In that affair, Bernie Williams led off the game for ND with a double 1-10, but flew out "harmlessly" to right, and thereby took the honor of being the closest member of his squad to reach on a hit the entire game. This night, however, he greets Lowe with a single, and though he is forced out one batter later, Arnie (that card) is uplifted with the giddiness that one achieves when one is successful at debunking an unreasonable fear: McGriff hits a two-run homer for the quick lead, and though GB answers with a run in the 2nd, Klesko hits a mammoth two-run blast in the 3rd, and ND takes the 4-1 lead. "See! There’s absolutely nothing to the rumor that Eric can manipulate the dice with his…"

Yes? With his what? C’mon, Arnie. With his what? Well, no sooner does Arnie think he’s dismissed his demons than GB hits 5 homer over the next 3 innings for 11 unanswered runs. Add two more solo blasts in the 6th and 7th, and that’s 7 home runs for the game and a wild, easy rumpus of a win, 14-8. "Hey, listen," says Eric, "I don’t, um…you know, what the fuck…" But has Eric really conjured up some "extra" something here, an ability "beyond the normal"? And is Arnie possibly an agent, or some medium, for this phenomena? Stay tuned…

"Up yours."

From Arnie: Actually what I said was "Eric, if you hit 7 home runs every game, this will be a short series".

WP: Lowe; LP: Johnson

HR: (ND) Klesko 1; McGriff 1; (GB) Finley 1, 2; Walker 1; Lieberthal 1; Jordan 1; Williams 1; Helton 1

Game 2

   1 2 3  4 5 6  7 8 9   R  H E
ND 1 0 1  6 0 3  0 0 0  11 16 0
GB 3 0 1  0 1 0  2 0 0   7 14 1

From Eric: Arnie may not be showing it on the outside just yet, but he’s starting to freak out. He tries to get Eric to wear a football helmet made of tinfoil, but it’s too small for Eric’s head. (Isn’t everything?) Arnie knows that Eric is 6-0 in World Series appearances, and Arnie has already spooked himself with comments like "Eric, man, you just get into a some kind of zone in the World Series." Eric, of course, relishes the attention, and is perhaps beginning to believe the hype, which may be Arnie’s plan all along. Indeed, GB jumps to an early lead thanks to a 3-run homer by Palmeiro, but it’s all ND in this game, as they score 6 runs in the 4th and 3 more in the 6th to take a commanding 11-5 lead. They hold on to win 11-7, as Remlinger and Bradford shut down GB in the 8th and 9th. "Well, at least we’ll be playing tomorrow night," says Arnie as he takes a deep breath and sits back in his chair.

"You okay, Arno? You look kind of pale."

"Fuck you."

WP: Dessens; LP: Millwood

HR: (ND) Klesko 2,3; McGriff 2; (GB) Palmeiro 1, 2; Jones 1

Game 3

Tied 1 game apiece, and it’s off to North Dakota. But this one is over before Arnie can say "I wish we’d landed in Moosejaw." An error by D. Bautista in right on Walker’s lead-off fly in the 1st leads to 4 quick runs, and GB just piles it on. After three it’s 7-0, and Tom Glavine is coasting, going seven and surrendering just 6 hit and 2 runs. (From Arnie: Figuratively twisting the knife even further). From Eric: Eric rocks back and forth in his chair, ala Leo Mazone. Arnie wonders if this is how Eric gets himself "in the zone".

From Arnie: At one point, I seriously accused Eric of ‘communicating with the dice’, as he hit deflating homer after homer on his own card, just as he does every time he’s in the World Series. Eric, sensing an opportunity to freak me out, then actually picked up the dice and verbally gave them directions in gibberish. I grabbed the dice out of his hand in a pique of fury and shouted my own ‘counter-acting’ gibberish to the dice. To no avail. (It was all actually pretty hysterical and we laughed uproariously for a few minutes).

From Eric: After the game Arnie tries to deflect his concerns, and says some very complimentary things about Eric’s cat, Walt, who purls around his feet.

"Cool cat."

WP: Glavine LP: Mulder

HR: (GB) Finley 3; Loretta 1

Game 4

   1 2 3  4 5 6  7 8 9   R  H E
GB 0 4 0  0 0 0  0 0 0   4 10 0
ND 1 0 0  0 0 0  0 0 2   3 4  0

From Arnie: The next day Arnie threatens to kill Eric in an e-mail (cc to the league) if he talks to the dice again.

From Eric: It’s on to Holliston for the next evening. Robin has to go out to some PTA meeting, so it’s Eric and Arnie and Jinny and Rachel. Before the first game Rachel plays a stirring rendition of the Star Spangled Banner on clarinet and kisses her Dad for good luck. Maybe next year, Rach. Arnie declares Holliston to be a "telekinetic-free" zone, and Eric is forbidden to use his powers or rock in his chair, but it’s not that simple. First, Eric questions whether he has such powers, and, if he does, claims to have no control over them. "It’s quantum, Arn, which means it’s utterly random, or governed by a set of principles we can’t decipher. It’s not like Holliston exists outside the universe."

"Whatever. Just don’t do it." (From Arnie: Yet, on Lieberthal’s 1^st at bat, Eric nails a 2-8 homer, yet again).

From Eric: It’s a rematch of Lowe and Johnson, and this is actually a well pitched game. Except for a 2nd inning meltdown, in which Eric "manipulates" the dice to every advantageous roll on his players’ cards, wherein GB hits two doubles and back-to-back dingers and scores 4 runs, GB is held in check. But Lowe is masterful against ND again, holding them to one run and 3 hits over 8 innings. A 9th inning rally falls just short, as Pujols hits a two-run blast off Donnelly with no outs to make it 4-3, but Holmes comes in to get Berkman, McGriff and B. Williams in order to nail down the win, and take a commanding 3-1 lead.

From Arnie: The game took 25 minutes, despite some deliberate ND fouls to try and slow up the pace. Where's Randy when you need him?

WP: Lowe LP: Johnson

HR: (GB) Finley 4; Lieberthal 2; (ND) Klesko 4; Pujols 1

Game 5

Eric smells it. Or, he just smells, which is probably a rather polite summation of how Arnie feels about his old friend. All seven runs scored by GB in this game cross the plate via the home run, as GB hits five. Arnie can only shake his head and say "there’s nothing I can do." True enough. Millwood goes five for GB, and four relievers blank ND over the final four innings, and Eric wins his 7th championship. The two games in Holliston are over so quickly that Eric hangs out for a while and watches the Bruins with Arnie, and finally goes home around 9:30 to feed his cat.

WP: Millwood LP: Dessens

HR: (GB) Palmeiro 3,4; Walker 2, 3; Tejada 1; (ND) Klesko 5

From Arnie: The Gawd B machine, which finished tied for 4^th in the regular season in team home runs, hit 19 home runs in the 5-game series (a 616 home run pace over 162 games). He hit 32 total in 10 post-season games (a 518 HR pace).

Gawd B wins series 4 games to 1

Eric is now 7-0 lifetime in World Series appearances.

THOUGHTS WHILE AUDITIONING FOR SURVIVOR

1. Dues
- OFFICIAL BLASTING!!! OFFICIAL BLASTING!!! OFFICIAL BLASTING!!! OFFICIAL BLASTING!!! OFFICIAL BLASTING!!! à Landß - is DELINQUENT!!!. $3.25 $3.25 $3.25 $3.25.

(Note: In fact, Land was completely AWOL for the draft, which is highly unusual since he is a self-professed draftnick. He did RSVP to the 25^th BBQ, the first communication from the elusive Land in almost a year).

2. Awards Voting - 5 points for 1st place, 3 for 2nd place, 1 for 3rd place. Since managers cannot vote for their own players, 7 votes would be a unanimous vote.

MVP              1 2 3  Tot
Thome, FW        3 1 3  21
Ramirez, NO      2 3    19
Bonds, FW        2 2 1  17*
A. Rodriguez, CN 1   2   7
Palmeiro, GB       1 2   5
J. Giambi, CN      1     3

*The steroid controversy apparently cost Bonds his 3^rd consecutive MVP award as 2 voters completely left him off their ballots.

Burnett,GB      5 1 1  29
R. Johnson, ND  1 2 2  13
Foulke, GB        3 1  10
P. Martinez, FW 1   2   7
Dotel, CN       1   2   7
Lowe, GB          2     6

3. Presentation of the Richman Cup from former champion Jeff to new champion Eric.
As he handed the trophy and plaque to a humble Eric, Jeff predicted that it would be Eric’s last championship "especially now that he’ll be managing with Clint." Randy then proposed that, in the interest of league parity, anyone winning the championship receive Clint as a co-manager for the following season. When the laughter subsided, the Commissioner then noted he hadn’t said anything, and yet, would undoubtedly still get blamed. Eric then vowed to ‘reinvent’ Clint.

4. Rule change proposals

1. Rainouts - day off. Eric proposed that before every series, two dice are rolled. If snake eyes (a "2") come up, there is a rainout. This means that all pitchers get an extra day of rest (but no games would actually be postponed - it would be too much of a pain to play a makeup game). Each team should expect a rainout approximately once every 2^1/2 seasons. I pointed out that the rule would benefit (to a very small degree) those teams that frequently have a lot of tired pitchers, such as New Orleans, at the expense of those teams that don’t (such as Bay City or Manila), but after a lengthy debate, the proposal passed 5-3.
2. All-Star break day off.
Continuing with the same theme, Harold then proposed that, in celebration of the league’s unplayed All-Star game, at the Holiday "All-Star" break, the whole league receives a day off. This not only helps relievers, but could also help an unstarred starter pitch > 5 innings in his last start before the "All-Star" break Presumably, for those Jews who traditionally play a series on December 25^th, the day off rule would apply after such series. This proposal then passed by a vote of 7-1.

Matt then asked for clarifications on whether the day-off/rainout rule applies to injuries (yes, it counts as an injury day), post-season (no rainouts in the post-season), one-game playoff (yes). Eric believes that Robin still wouldn’t have beat him in that one-game playoff back in ’95.

3. DH.
Matt then proposed to eliminate the DH, which was voted down 6-2.

4. 25^th Anniversary BBQ. We then made preliminary plans for the league’s 25^th anniversary BBQ, which was subsequently held on June 27th. (Incidentally, all teams were represented at the BBQ except Jeff’s team, which, after many beers, was voted out of the league.)

I have in my notes that someone proposed a league logo design contest, but somehow that one slipped through the cracks. But everyone should feel free to design a logo and send it via e-mail to the league.

5. Card burning.
There was a lot of sentiment around burning ‘alleged’ steroid user Barry Bonds. There was also a lot of momentum for burning another Future Wax bad boy, rapist Ramon Castro. Some tried to argue creatively that, if it hadn’t been for the steroids, Bonds would be a rapist too. In the end, that speculation proved to be no match for actual facts, and Castro was burned.
6. Draft Notes

There was one trade made the day before the draft (no trades were made on draft day):

Gary Sheffield and Jeff Kent, Future Wax, to North Dakota for Lance Berkman

As usual, some players were drafted who previously had flings in the SOMBILLA and have now been recycled as free agents. The earliest such retread was the 3rd pick overall! Esteban Loaiza was contracted out of a job from the fabled BiG DiG franchise, and Harold made him the 3 ^rd overall pick. The earliest draft pick who had actually been previously cut was All-Star Livan Hernandez, drafted 7^th overall by North Dakota after having been cut by Future Wax a year ago.

The others:

• Rheal Cormier, the 2^nd ’03 FW cut to be picked up, this time by Robin (also let go by Jeff back in ’98).
• Jose Guillen, redrafted by Tom in the 3rd, after having been cut in ’00.
• Wilson Alvarez, drafted by Matt & Jed in the 4 ^th , was cut in ’01 by Tom.
• Tom redrafted Matt Herges, cut last year, in the 5 ^th.
• Fatboy Sidney Ponson, previously contracted out of a job, was forklifted in the 5^th by North Dakota
• Harold picked up Julian Tavarez in the 6^th round, previously cut by FW in ’02.
• Mike Bordick, drafted by Eric in the 7^th is now playing for his 4^th SOMBILLA team (can you name the other three?).
• Dmitri Young, drafted by Matt in the 8^th, was once cut by Land.
• Harold drafted Carlos Baerga in the 8^th round, 5 years after cutting him.
• Eric picked p Mike Timlin, cut by Tom in ’02 in the 8 ^th .
• Former Bay City outfielder Matt Stairs was grabbed by Tom in the 9^th round.
• Harold gave up on Wunsch back in ’02, and Tom drafted him in the 10^th round.
• Carl Pavano, sent packing by Tom last year, was picked up by Matt & Jed in the 11^th round.
• Former Future Wax fixture Ray Durham was drafted by Tom in the 11^th round.
• And finally, also in the 11^th round, Eric redrafted Mike Hampton.

We all shouted "Spooneybarger," and the ’04 draft was history.

SUMMER STUDY No. 1 - DRAFT ANALYSIS - 2000

This summer we will do our 4-year draft retrospective analysis of the 2000 draft. As usual, the first 2 rounds will be listed in order, for heightened scrutiny. After that, all picks are lumped together by round.

We've conducted 4 SOMBILLA seasons since that '00 draft (using the 99, 00, 01 and 02 seasons), and we will begin playing another season, the 2003 cards, in a few months. Finally, in real life, we are currently in the midst of a 6th Strat-O season, 2004, and we can project who might be usable. Thus, each player from this draft will have the potential to play in all six SOMBILLA seasons. In '99-00, Clint, Eric, Robin, Harold and Tom (all the non-playoff teams) were involved in an unprecedented 5-way rolloff for 1^st pick – with Harold winning. How'd we do?

The player’s SOMBILLA stats are shown.

Round 1

1. Benson, Harold (13-6, 5.44) 2 seasons
2. Mateo, Harold (8 for 12 with 2 homers in bit parts over 2 seasons)
3. Foulke, Eric (4-6, 29 sv, 2.60) all six seasons
4. Hudson, Tom & Land (23-15, 2.58) all six seasons
5. Ankiel, Robin (3-8, 3 sv, 7.35) 2 seasons
6. Ramon Ortiz, Matt (4-5, 6.10) 1 season
7. Zimmerman, Jed & Clint (4-7, 10 sv, 5.12) 2 seasons
8. Williamson, RAT (9-4, 18 sv, 6.19) 3-4 seasons
9. Ritchie, Arnie (5-5, 1 sv, 4.92)

Best pick: Tim Hudson, with Keith Foulke an honorable mention. They’re both pretty awesome and it would be a tie, except that I give more weight to Hudson’s being a starter - he pitches 3x more innings than Foulke, making him a more valuable Strat-O pick in my opinion.

Worst pick: Well, an excellent case could be made for Todd Ritchie (or perhaps Ramon Ortiz?), but I’m going with Ruben Mateo for two reasons. One, Ritchie was actually a regular in my rotation one year. Mateo only played for Harold as an injury callup. And the second reason is that Mateo was the second pick overall, Ritchie was 9^th.

Round 2

10. V. Wells, Robin (1 for 6 as an injury callup, but great 2003 and 2004)
11. Clement, Tom & Land (6-11, 6.21) 5 seasons (3 of these will be with Eric who redrafted him 3^rd overall in ’03 after an ill-advised cut)
12. Hampton, Eric (12-7, 5.14) 3 seasons (redrafted by Eric this year)
13. F. Garcia, Jeff (7-8, 6.50) 3 seasons
14. Halladay, Jed & Clint (4-4, 1 sv, 6.77) 3 seasons, 2 of which were for Robin
15. Russ Ortiz, Matt (6-14, 6.74) 3-4 seasons
16. Rupe, Tom & Land (3-5, 6.35) 1 season
17. T. Hunter, Matt (.332, 28 hr, 69 rbi) 3 seasons
18. Nilsson, Jed & Clint (.323, 16, 39) 1 season

Best pick – Matt Clement, Tom & Land (just rating the draft pick, not the decision to cut him). When all is said and done, V. Wells may well be the best player from this bunch as he is still only 25 and just coming into his own.

Worst picks – Tie between Rupe and D. Nilsson, 1 year wonders both.

Best picks – Petrick and Jenkins, Harold; Koch, Robin 3 seasons all

Worst picks – Bergeron, Arnie. The first pick from this draft who never appeared in the league.

Also picked – Villone, J&C; Hermanson, RAT? (my notes say Tom drafted him, but I think that’s a mistake. He played for RAT that year); Milton, J&C; Seanez, Harold; Febles, RAT

Best pick – Phil Nevin , Jed & Clint. He played two years for the ill fated BiG DiG and was picked up in the contraction draft by Tom. He will play in all 6 seasons.

Worst picks – B. Davis, Jeff; Person, Matt. Never played. Some early prospecting turned sour.

Also picked – Durazo, Robin; Garces, Eric; Kapler, Jeff; B. Davis, Jeff; Embree, RAT; R. Hernandez, Arnie; K. Wells, T&L. Note that Garces and Kapler were consecutive picks. A prize to whoever comes up with the best joke about contrasting physiques.

Best pick – Mike Remlinger, Arnie. 2004 will represent the first time he’s not usable since being drafted.

Worst pick – Branyan, Jeff; B. Carlyle, Matt. The only guys from this round who never played. Who is B. Carlyle?

Also picked – Shumpert, J&C; Ochoa, Eric; Belliard, T&L;; R. Cedeno, Harold; Johnstone, RAT; M. Barrett, Arnie

Best pick – Luis Gonzalez, Arnie. The next year he hit 56 homers. 5 seasons overall.

Worst pick – W. Morris, Jeff. Consecutive DNPs for Jeff.

Also picked – Karsay, Robin; Mays, T&L; Mayne, Harold; Jaha, J&C; Quinn, Matt; T. Nixon, Eric; Cormier, RAT. A pretty good round overall, actually.

Best pick – Octavio Dotel, Tom & Land. 3 seasons in the league - now Oakland’s shitty closer.

Worst pick – W. Veras, Robin. Hard to believe, but he’s the only 7^th rounder to not play in the SOMBILLA

Also picked – Surhoff, J&C; McGlinchy, Jeff; Singleton, Eric; Daubach, Matt; FP Santangelo, Harold; wife-beater Chouinard, RAT; Grebeck, Arnie

Best pick – Eric Gagne, Arnie. 5 seasons. Passing Bartolo Colon as the best 8^th round pick of all time.

Worst pick – D. Ward, Tom. Hard to believe, but he’s the only 8^th rounder to not play in the SOMBILLA

Also picked – Velarde, Robin; Grimsley, Eric; Sauerbeck, Jeff; B. Wells, J&C; Olivares, Matt; Pote, Harold; Moyer, RAT

Best pick – The much-maligned Byung-Hyun Kim. He’s still just 25 and has played 4 seasons for Robin. Actually top to bottom, this draft could be the best SOMBILLA draft ever.

Worst pick – Blake, Jeff. Hard to believe, but he’s the only 9^th rounder to not play in the SOMBILLA

Also picked - Widger, Harold; Aguilera, Eric; B. Trammell, Tom; Mahomes, RAT; Delucci, RAT; Lampkin, Arnie

Best pick – C. Guzman. Eric. Nice 10th-round 3-season grab here.

Worst pick –M. Munoz, RAT. Hard to believe, but he’s the only 10^th rounder+ to not play in the SOMBILLA

Also picked – W. Gonzalez, Robin; Thurman, Tom; Lieber, Arnie; E. Diaz, Robin; P. Abbott, RAT

Three trades were consummated on draft day 2000:

1. M. Williams, Manila Folders and a 4th round pick in 2002 to Future Wax for a 2nd round pick in 2000. Became Matt Williams and Craig Wilson for Torii Hunter. Williams gave FW a few great cards, but Hunter’s awesome. Advantage: Matt.
2. R. Clemens, North Dakota to Manila Folders for a 3rd round pick in 2001 and a 3rd round pick in 2002. The two picks for Clemens became Lance Berkman and Orlando Cabrera. We’ll call that one a draw.
3. Bunghole trades its 1st round pick (1st overall) to New Orleans for a 1st round pick (7th overall) and a 3rd round pick. Essentially, Harold got Benson from Jed & Clint for Zimmerman and Seanez. After all is said and done, a pretty minor trade, with a slight advantage to Jed & Clint.

Best draft, 2000: North Dakota. Excellent draft after a particularly slow start. But as noted earlier, a very good draft for the league as a whole. (Ritchie, Bergeron, Ramon Hernandez, Remlinger, M. Barrett, L. Gonzalez, Grebeck, Gagne, Lampkin, Lieber)

Worst draft, 2000: Jeff (for what it’s worth, 3 years later, a couple of these guys played on his championship team) (F. Garcia, Kapler, B. Davis, Branyan, W. Morris, McGlinchy, Sauerbeck, Blake). Eerily, Harold had the worst draft of ’99 and also managed to win the World Series 3 years later. The key to success??!

A recent e-mail chain that made its way around the league leads to this next study. Are injuries randomly dispersed throughout all the teams or does one team or a few teams receive an inordinate amount of injuries to its players?

Ideally, we would examine a historical list of all players who have gone on the DL, say, over the past 10 years and add ‘em up. Or something like that. Unfortunately, I could find no such historical listing. So, I’ve come up with a few alternatives.

1. Right now

At the all-star break, 49 of the league’s 360 players were on the DL, or 14%. They were spread not so evenly among the league’s teams, ranging from a high of 9 players on the DL, (both RAT and Tom), to a low of 3 for Matt & Jed (only A. Boone, Beckett and Ohka). For the record, RAT’s DL was Williamson, J. Gonzalez, Mantei, Valverde, A. Ramirez, Griffey, Spooneybarger, R. Castro, and W. Miller. Tom’s DL was Mondesi, Mora, Stewart, Ellis, Hudson, Nelson, Borowski, Casey, and Nevin.

But that’s just a snapshot in time. It doesn’t prove anything and you can’t draw any conclusions from it. Indeed, the snapshot would’ve been different in May, and will be different again in September (except for people like Ohka, Arthur Rhodes or Ritchie Sexson out for the season).

2. Fluke injuries.

Pitchers get sore arms. Players pull hamstrings. These are normal, almost expected. But occasionally, weird, inexplicable injuries occur to players. Is this a random occurrence by team or not? Well, some teams clearly are more susceptible to weird injuries. Coincidence? Here’s a collection of some of the strangest injuries over the years affecting SOMBILLA players by team:

Robin:

• Giants head-case third baseman Chris Brown once begged out of the lineup because of a strained eyelid. He claimed he "slept on it wrong."
• Brewers pitcher Steve Sparks dislocated his shoulder trying to tear a *telephone book* in half as part of a motivational speech.
• Pitcher Greg Harris once "strained his elbow" while "flicking sunflower seeds."
• P Ricky Bones once hurt his lower back getting out of a chair while watching TV in the clubhouse, or so he claimed.
• RF Sammy Sosa throws his back out after sneezing.
• Pitcher Dave Dravecky has arm amputated due to cancer.
• Pitcher Dave Leiper undergoes open heart surgery.
• I. Rodriguez breaks thumb after being hit by M. Vaughn’s bat on follow-through
• Sid Fernandez run over by golf cart. Also injured due to being hit by foul while sitting in dugout.
• Greg Walker disabled due to seizure in locker room caused by previously undiagnosed epilepsy.
• David Cone out after mother-in-law’s dog bit him on pitching hand.
• R. Ankiel (see 2000 draft - 1^st round) mysteriously contracts Steve Blass disease during the playoffs.
• Alex Fernandez goes on DL for some legitimate reason and gains 30 pounds.

• Tom Gordon hurts shoulder after losing a bet and having to carry (Bay City teammate) Jim Corsi’s luggage. (Roger "we have to carry our own luggage" Clemens should have bet Gordon, too. And, no, not that kind of luggage).

RAT

• Matt Mantei needed four stitches in his right thumb after cutting it while opening a can of dog food just before Spring Training 2002. Mantei was *already on rehab*.
• Early in spring training 2002, Matt Williams broke his leg when he tripped over his own feet during a workout. Williams, whose latter career was injury-filled, was attempting to show the Arizona organization he was healthy enough to start at third again.
• During spring training 2002, Giants' 2B Jeff Kent suffered a broken wrist, telling the team (and the public) that this injury happened while the slugger was washing his truck. A few days later, though, the truth came out. It seems he was riding his motorcycle when he broke that wrist, an activity expressly forbidden by the second baseman's contract. But the story doesn't end there. It seems Kent was riding near the Giants' spring ballpark, doing wheelies! Then, after a 911 call due to the injury, he calls someone who WORKS FOR THE GIANTS to come get his damaged bike. Little wonder he left SF after that season.
• Young Texas Rangers' CF Oddibe McDowell once missed Opening Day because cut his finger buttering a roll. . . at the team's "welcome home luncheon."
• Juan Gonzalez's back acted up last spring after a bad sneeze.
• David Wells said he lost his balance after kicking a 40-pound iron bar stool. According to Wells, when he fell he was holding a glass and subsequently cut his left hand and a tendon in his right wrist.
• In 1985, Giants pitcher Greg Minton showed up at spring training hurt, after he drove a nail through the middle of his pitching hand while trying to shoe a horse.

Arnie

• Glenallen Hill, of the Toronto Blue Jays at the time, was deathly afraid of spiders. He cut his foot when he ran into a glass table while sleepwalking. Actually, he was sleeprunning in mortal terror while dreaming he was being chased by a spider. In an effort to get away from the imaginary creatures, Hill climbed the stairs in his apartment and scraped his knees and elbows on the carpet. "When I woke up I was on a couch and my wife, Mika, was screaming, 'Honey, wake up,'" Hill, held up by crutches, told reporters at the stadium the next day. In order to corroborate his alibi, Hill offered reporters the chance to come to his apartment to see the blood stains on the carpet.
• Believe it or not, nobody was upset with Jason Isringhausen when he stabbed himself opening a package, although when he punched a trash can, people got a bit testy.

• Rick Honeycutt injured his wrist while flicking sunflower seeds in the dugout.

• Padres pitcher Adam Eaton missed a start after stabbing himself in the stomach with a small knife while trying to cut the shrink-wrap off a DVD. Eaton needed two stitches.
• Pitcher Paul Shuey fell asleep while holding his baby and suffered a knot in his shoulder.
• Outfielder Ruben Sierra once showed up to the ballpark with a sprained ankle, thanks to chasing his daughter on a mall escalator.

Jeff/Dave/Joel

• Catcher-DH Mickey Tettleton got an infected foot from tying his shoelaces too tight.
• Five-time batting champion Wade Boggs missed a week when he lost his balance putting on his cowboy boots and fell into a couch.
• How was Bret Barberie supposed to know that you temporarily lose your vision if you accidentally rub chili sauce in your eyes?
• George Brett hit his foot on a chair and broke his toe while running from the kitchen to the TV to see Bill Buckner hit.
• DL- sneezing Goose Gossage. "I'm embarrassed as hell," Gossage said at the time. "But they say it's one of the most common ways (to hurt your back). You drop a bar of soap and hurt it. Or you put your shoes or socks on and hurt it. It happens."

Yitz/Harold

• Rick Honeycutt, this time playing for Yitz, suffered a large scratch across the forehead when he, after being ejected for scuffing the ball with a tack taped to his finger, wiped his brow in frustration.
• Nolan Ryan was bitten by a coyote.
• Matt Anderson, Tigers' relief pitcher, once tore a muscle in his shoulder after participating in an octopus-throwing contest. He was allegedly trying to win Red Wings playoff tickets. Anderson "emphatically denied" that is what happened in many published reports, meaning it must be true, of course.

• Kevin Mitchell strained a muscle while vomiting.

Jed & Clint.

• Braves pitcher John Smoltz burned his chest trying to steam iron a shirt HE WAS WEARING AT THE TIME.
• Slugger Rob Deer, who holds the dubious distinctions of leading the league in strikeouts five times while finishing his career with 556 more strikeouts (1,409) than hits (853), once broke his hand, how else, by striking out.
• The Twins Marty Cordova once had to "limit his playing time in day games," because he fell asleep in a tanning bed.

Eric

• Bad pillow positioning resulted in a stiff neck for outfielder J.D. Drew, who missed a few games
• Home is where St. Louis catcher Mike Matheny's 2000 season ended, when he severed two tendons and a nerve on his right ring finger, after he cut himself with a hunting knife he received as a birthday present.
• Outfielder Brian Jordan injured his back while picking up his son at Disneyland.

Matt:

• Cardinals speedster Vince Coleman missed the 1985 World Series after he was run over by the automatic tarp machine.

• KC Royal Mark Quinn opened 2002 on the DL because of a broken rib. He was "kung-fu fighting" with his brother in San Diego, and, in one of his more spectacular moves, he stumbled backwards into a chair and busted up his side. Now, he didn't feel the need to report this to the Royals, mind you, and tried to "play through it," but the "pain was too great."

Tom/Land

• "DL-Sneezing," pitcher Marc Valdes in 1995

1. Deaths.

On a more somber note, a few SOMBILLA players have actually died while on active rosters:

• The first SOMBILLA death occurred in the very first SOMBILLA season in 1979 when North Dakota starting catcher Thurman Munson died tragically in a plane crash.

• In the mid-80s, Robin’s relief pitcher Donnie Moore committed suicide (Robin adds "after learning he had 8 BP homers vs. lefties on his card").

• In the early 90’s a tragic boating accident claimed both Robin’s Steve Olin and Eric’s Tim Crews.

• And just a few years ago, Manila pitcher Daryl Kile died in a Chicago hotel room.

1. Limited Players.

For the only real ‘study’ here, I tried to look at limited players over the past 10 years per franchise. I made a point not to count mutants - guys with great cards drafted in spite of being limited. We’re looking at established roster people who are injured enough that they can’t get to 350 plate appearances and are hence limited. It’s not perfect - it won’t catch guys like Mo Vaughn who get injured for whole season.

Unfortunately, the historical stats aren’t really up to where they should be to make this accurate. Unofficially, Tom & Land and Jeff both had 14 such players over the 10 years to lead the pack, followed closely by North Dakota with 13. The Folders and Bay City chime in with 12, while Harold and Jed had 9 each. Future Wax, surprisingly while hit with many unusual injuries (see above) had only 7 players over this time limited due to injury (they had plenty of mutants, who do not count). Eric brings up the rear with only 7, but that’s probably more of a function of all those years without stats than anything else.

 

2. Conclusion.

Robin’s team appears to have an inordinate number of injuries and deaths, but all teams appear to have been affected in one way or another. I was going to say that Matt appears least affected, but then I remembered Darryl Kile, whose demise rightly earned Matt a seat on the "couch of woe" on draft day.

Rank        Name                      HR

HOW IS YOUR TEAM DOING?

Here is our first unscientific look ahead to the 2004 cards (due out in January).

THE 2004 SOMBILLA/ESPN ALL-STAR COUNT

Jeff (10) – A. Benitez, Guerrero, LoDuca, Lowell, Matsui, Renteria, F. Rodriguez, Schilling, Vazquez, M. Young

Arnie (10) - Crawford, Gagne, L. Hernandez, R. Johnson, Kent, Mulder, D. Ortiz, Pujols, Rolen, Sheffield

Robin (9) – Beltran, Blalock, M. Cabrera, Estrada, Gordon, Jeter, V. Martinez, I. Rodriguez, Sosa

RAT (8) – Berkman, Bonds, F. Cordero, Griffey, Nathan, Piazza, Thome, C. Zambrano

Tom & Land (7) – Abreau, J. Giambi, Hudson, A. Rodriguez, Sabathia, Schmidt, Sheets

Harold (5) – Lilly, Loaiza, Ramirez, Rivera, Soriano

Matt & Jed (4) – Clemens, Pavano, Suzuki, J. Wilson

Eric (3) – Helton, Loretta, Tejada.